Saturday, July 30, 2016
The Profile

Brosef in the field: pollen or biochemical warfare?

by Brosef Brosinski 

 For those with allergies, the pollen that is infecting Agnes Scott College may seem out to kill you, but recent updates from the White House stress the pollen as a threat to all who venture around campus. What appears to an unusually high pollen count is actually the work of biochemical warfare cleverly disguised as pollen, reports the Department of Homeland Security. All signs as to where this pollen threat came from point to the newly re elected Russian President Putin, who appears to be using pollen biochemical warfare to start a war with the United States.

Thanks to the brave work of American spies in Russia we can now piece together the threat to America. Just as American spies have infiltrated the Russian state so Russian spies have infiltrated Agnes Scott while the students were on Spring Break and infected the trees on campus with this poison. The reasons for choosing such a small Liberal Arts college as their target are rather ingenious. With such a small campus, if one student contracts the contagion it will easily spread to others, cleverly working as if the disease were simply allergies. In addition, a large percentage of students have connections at Emory or Georgia Tech or Georgia State and will carry the disease with them further infecting other schools in the area. Once the threat increases across the Atlanta area, the Center for Disease Control will already be swamped with patients. The Chemical Weapons Elimination department of the CDC says “There is no threat that we are not equipped to handle” and yet there are those who are fearful of a mutant strand of this chemical pollen easily getting out of control.

Some students have already been affected because the first stages of the disease are the typical watery eyes, runny nose, and scratchy throat that are associated with normal pollen allergies. The disease stays latent for about one week, incubating and spreading via airborne transmission. Be alert for the following symptoms in your classmates and faculty: blindness, swelling of the lymph nodes in the neck, vomiting, and the eventual loss of one’s nose.

Should you see anyone experiencing these symptoms immediately send them to a hospital for further examination. The ASC Police department is working to ensure the safety of all members of the Agnes Scott Community and is working jointly with the Wellness Center to quarantine the area. Students are encouraged to stay in their dorms until the Valley Crest workers can rid the campus of all plant life. Please check your email for further updates.

For more pollen fun, check this out.

If you are confused by this shocking news, you should probably check this update, from APRIL FIRST out. 

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