Thursday, May 26, 2016
The Profile

BREAKING NEWS: The Profile bought by some bros

by Christen Thompson

In a startling turn of events, on Sunday, April 1 The Profile was purchased by a semi-anonymous donor group, identitied only by the cryptic name “BROS, LLC.” The change came and the end of a near-century’s worth of financial turmoil, during which the news outlet had been unable to pay its Editor-in-Chief, Managing Editors, Staff-writers or photographers. As it turns out, these employees had been working on IOU’s and out of the goodness of their hearts in that time. The Profile is told however, that the only places employees can redeem the goodness of their hearts is in Vancouver, Washington State, Massachusetts and California.

No word as of yet on significant changes the paper may incur, but one insider did let something slip. In an attempt at apparent egalitarianism, all titles are henceforth wiped, and all employees of the paper will now be referred to as “Brosef.” Additionally, the mysterious organization, BROS, LLC, apparently has done prior research in sexual journalism and an anthropological study of the sexual pun in modern culture. It is reported that The Brofile (nee Profile) will change its slogan from “Agnes Scott’s oldest student newspaper” to “Is that a newspaper in your pants or are you just happy to see us.”

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